The joys of parenthood don't outweigh the woes, according to a recent study that found parents show more signs of depression than adults without kids.

The depressive symptoms are more prevalent in all kinds of parents -- step, empty nest, divorced or married.

And moms and dads are equally affected, according to the large study that looked at more than 13,000 U.S. adults included in the National Survey of Families and Households.

Researchers accounted for gender, race, age, education, income, marital status and employment.

"I think the take-away message is that people ought to think very carefully about this (having children)," said co-writer of the study, Robin Simon, associate professor of sociology at the Center for Demography and Population Health at Florida State University.

"This is not something that is going to make you happy as our culture suggests."

Every kind of parent had more symptoms of depression than the childless, although married parents living with their minor children fared better.

Single parents, those with adult children in the home and noncustodial parents report "significantly higher" symptoms of depression, the researchers said.

The message is shocking in a society where becoming a parent is played as the pinnacle of adulthood, from the proverbial glow of pregnancy to the proud father walking his daughter down the aisle.

"People derive all kinds of gratification from their kids," Simon said. "But we contend that the causes associated, the emotional causes, the worry, anxiety and concern that are ultimately depressing overshadow a lot of those emotional benefits."

Simon, a mother of two, a 25-year-old and a 15-year-old, said the study shouldn't bring parents down. If anything, it should advocate the frustration and underappreciation they often feel.

"It's validating to know it's not you, it's your situation," she said in a phone conversation from her office in Tallahassee, Fla. "Contemporary parenthood is a very stressful thing. We tend to do it in relative isolation. We have few guidelines. How can you judge if you've been good at this job? And it's a job that doesn't end."

Parents constantly doubt themselves, and doubt brings on depression, said Claudia Arthrell, director of professional services at Family & Children Services.

"(Parenting) has always been a struggle because I'm never absolutely sure what's the right thing to do," said Arthrell, whose sons are 21 and 24 years old. "I can only do the best with my knowledge at the time. I always wonder what if I had done something else."

But at the same time, Arthrell said, she never understood her "ability and capacity to love" until she had children.

She believes the source of depression for parents isn't parenthood but societal pressure to always give your children more.

"We know that parents always feel they're coming up short," she said. "I could do more, provide more, read more, and with the media, there comes the pressure that we should be able to provide more."

To examine the relationship between parenthood and symptoms of depression, Simon and co-researcher Ranae Evenson of Vanderbilt University used 12 items from the Center for Epidemiological Studies Depression Scale.

Simon said the scale looked at, among other things, how many times in one week people felt sad, hopeless and bad enough that their appetite was affected or that they didn't want to get out of bed.

"I don't think the study is saying children aren't a blessing," said Mary Mihelich, a local licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. "But it is picking up on some of the weightiness of parenthood. It is a heavy, lifelong piece of work even though it's a joy. It's a blessing, but it's hard work."

Mihelich, who has three children ages 23, 20 and 16, said people are selfish by nature, and it's easy for parents to resent how much time children require.

"Many a mom have stood up and cheered when the last little league baseball game is over," she said. "And on that wonderful day when your last child is potty-trained. You're not just happy that your kid achieved a milestone, you're also relieved because it's one last chore you have to do."

And like Arthrell, Mihelich agrees that parenting today is more stressful than it was 20 years ago.

"Parents have more negative emotions, not about the kid, but the circumstances," she said. "It's feeling like the world is more dangerous, less predictable in some ways. The media makes us aware of that. We can't do anything about it, but you still have to put your kids out there."

Simon said in all of her 15 years of sociological research, she has never had the public respond to a study as it has to this one. She guesses that's because it contradicts society's maxim that with parenthood comes happiness.

So if no parent is left unscathed from feelings of depression, why are people still having kids?

"There are so many complex reasons (why people have children)," Simon said. "I think American society has equated it with healthy adult development even though studies suggest that it has positives, but it has all of these negatives as well."

It's true that children take a lot from parents without giving much back, said Steven Terry, a local licensed social worker and marriage and family therapist. But he doesn't regret having his two daughters, ages 12 and 19.

"Watching a child grow and develop and become a person of their own is a rewarding experience," he said. "Just to have a person that is your own flesh and blood that you've been with from the beginning of their life and watched them mature through every stage going along. I find that fascinating."

Mihelich said parenting is at the same time fulfilling and painful, calling it a "bittersweet proposition."

"But I would encourage no parents to minimize what they're doing, even though there is no paycheck attached to it," she said. "It's a reward you can't put in the bank. It's a contribution to the world. If you leave loving, responsible adults, you leave a legacy that's probably worth a lot more than a big estate. I hope that when I'm gone, my kids contribute to the world in a way that is beyond what I could myself."

Leigh Woosley 581-8465

leigh.woosley@tulsaworld.com